Dec
17
Tainted Halos
December 17, 2005 | |
I’ve always equated my dealings with Kevin to brushes with white-magic.
He had this quiet way of conjuring the angel out of me. He emanated this welcoming glow which in turn, made me feel more ethereal in his presence. And for that reason alone, I missed him.
So it was no surprise upon reuniting in Michigan, amongst the averageness of the Marriott, he shined even brighter than I remembered. It was of even less surprise when he referred to the irony of my room number 527, that 5 plus 2 equalled 7, that it had snowed 7 inches on his way over, and 7 years had passed since we last spoke…
Seeing him again was so bittersweet. Like cracking open a dusty journal packed with tales of the real me. A story I was scared to re-visit. I knew this meeting would be as difficult as it was welcomed–Anxious and worried as I was. Worried his vision of a younger, more innocent Midwestern girl with stars in her eyes and a far more open heart had since turned a deeper shade of grey. Stone-like and rigid, and honed by the struggles that the citylife demands.
I feared I had lost my virginity to Manhattan. And Kevin would no longer identify that embedded angel. Folded wings now coated by layers of subway dust. The one who couldn’t be held down by the confines of our home town.Who unravelled herself from the city limits of East Lansing Michigan on a quest for greener pastures…
I pictured how his life might be. It was in the cards that he would do nothing ordinary. And to hear that he remained a Michigan local, wether a resident medical practitioner or not, I found oddly comforting.
In my latest fantasy of him I pictured a wife, a home fashioned by Frank Lloyd Wright and a newborn, maybe two–As his life stabilized and his roots twisted deeper into the earth of our secure midwestern upbringing.
But to ease my own discontent, deep down I wished he harbored a dark secret for me, a ravenous desire to break free and explore the world as I had. Maybe we could share that selfish little commonality…
Maybe it would have been different had I been joined him inside the Sparrow Hospital waiting room as he flitted between patients, serious and sobered in hospital blues. Maybe I would have felt my life had even less purpose to share. After all, Kevin was saving lives and I was merely spending cash.
The fact that I had purchased my 1st condo and made a killing on Philip Morris before it split seemed so unimportant. My rent stabilized gem in The Village with the million dollar view of a tree branch and semi scaffolded cathedral suddenly seemed so–not a steal. The idea that I lived in new York and lived my life like a Sex in the City episode suddenly felt so cliche.
But I did have the luxury of freedom unlike my friends, baggy-eyed and saddled with kids. And that,
to me, was priceless.
But when he arrived at my door, alarmingly unchanged from that boyish blue eyed pre med student that I so respected, I was relieved to find the pedestal leveling between us.
Thank God he hadn’t changed, at least not physically. And he lingered in the doorway sheepishly,
head cocked to the left with genuine blushed happiness. Not unlike so many eves before outside dormroom 505 of blessed Campbell hall. I smiled as I most likely would have back when we were sophomores. Genuine…Hopeful….
Happy.
Thankfully, 7 years passed between us and he still seemed that impossibly idealistic boy.
Thankfully, we reunited with the same issues we’d harbored and relied upon as marijuana philosophy, back in those hopeful pre-graduate haze. Back when we had excuses to slack. When we had he luxury of time and excuse of youth, and the post graduate world ahead of us to conquer…
Back in the day Kevin claimed to held some sort of candle for me. And flattered as I was,
I never crossed the line to allow for any disenchanting letdown. Had I compromised our bond for some basic beer clouded rationale for “having a good time,” I was certain regret would clobber me once the morninglight piercing reality crept through my Bay Windows. It wasn’t worth it. I liked Kevin too much to take so him so lightly. More importantly, I was too scared he would see my faults and find me just an ordinary girl.
So I never indulged him as more than a friend confidant and guru. And looking back , maybe the pedestal building was mutual. Enabling us to harbor impossibly idealistic visions of one another.
Less magical truths left safely undiscovered. I held him in high regard because of this.
Maintaining an intimate friendship to a brilliant boy harboring no greater sexual intention was the ultimate compliment. Naively I carried on believing this to be true, until one day, when he grew tired of playing angel to me and gave into more earthly desires with my younger sister.
That was the day Kevin became human.
When a friend oversteps there bounds with a sibling, it’s nothing short of taboo. A violation.
A reaffirmation of the male over-sexed who sees no boundaries. So with this dalliance involving Jenny, a slightly less inhibited and more naive version of me, I considered it a twisted compliment and moved on. And over seven years time, the effect of this violation wore thin to the point of forgetting.
At least in my mind.
But Kevin had other ideas.
And somewhere between the welcome back embrace and the celebratory Pinot Noir toast
he unleashed this all consuming desire to revisit his err and somehow make it right.
As if it made a difference now. Truth be told his indecency hadn’t crossed my mind in years.
But my guardian Angel insisted on going there. Claiming that this grave mistake was a heavy cross to bare, and after 7 years, his conscience was getting tired.
Strange to me, how one instance in time could carve such remorse in someone’s psyche.
And although I assured and reassured him the past was of no consequence, he refuted my plea.
And stuck me right back on that pedestal where I didn’t belong. Maybe it was his way of maintaining that impossible ethereal quality that I was sure I had lost. Maybe he needed something to pine for…
“Well, well, well….my Guardian Angel has arrived.” I announced as we embraced hello.
“You always used to say that.” He reminded me.
“I did?”
“Yes–Everytime you were about to leave….”
(To Be Continued)
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